Looking back on Sichuan...

Last night our music team gathered and had a debriefing session. For myself, it was literally the first time I had seen the other members since I had gotten back to Toronto. Almost as soon as we got back together, we started FD-ing again without missing a beat. (FD is a term we were introduced to by Brian, our member from Calgary when we were in Sichuan. It stands for "Fat Din" in Cantonese which means "being crazy".

It was Mandy's birthday and members of the Sichuan team secretly made a video for her with different people sending her birthday wishes and compiled into one video. Needless to say, tears flowed freely as she watched it.

During the evening, as we shared about our where we are at after the Sichuan trip, I began to notice one common thread...basically all six of us, despite different background and age (okay, okay, 5 of us were similar in age, being younger, with yours truly being "a little" more...let's say, 'matured'), were all at a point in life where we feel we want to do something different, but unsure of what, where, when, or how.

Could this be a reason why we were brought together as a team? Not just to put together the Sichuan music project, but also to help each other as we each pursuit our dreams and calling after the trip is over? Is it possible that there will be something in each of our dreams that we share in common that will bring us together again?

I can't wait...

Sichuan Reflection - When all is said and done

"Hey! Welcome back! How was your trip?"

I don't know how many times I have been asked that in the last few days. In a way that is the most natural question to ask someone who's just returned from a trip. At the same time, for me at least, it has been a tremendously difficult question to answer meaningfully. How do you squeeze so much experience into a 30 second answer?

I have been trying to gather my thoughts to write about the trip on my blog. Even though I am slowly gaining some clarity, I am not quite yet at the point where memories, emotions, ideas and thoughts can be translated into words. I have been going through in my mind the different highlights on the trip, freezing moments and memories (music team: does that sound familiar? :) and playing them back in my mind like a slideshow. In the last couple of days, one image in particular has occupied my mind...

I was back in my Hong Kong hotel room after returning from Sichuan. Because the room only has one bed, Taylor had been sharing it with Anna and I. The first morning after I got back, I woke up a little earlier than usual. I looked over at Anna and Taylor who were still sleeping. After a few minutes, Taylor stirred, stretched, and after rubbing her eyes with her little hands, she opened them and saw me looking at her. With a smile that will melt any father's heart, she said, "Daddy, I am so glad you are back..."

That moment has taught me a great deal. It is natural after an experience like we had at Sichuan and ask: "What's next ?" The danger is that we get caught up in chasing after the next "episode", trying to duplicate and outdo the last experience. My little girl reminded me that life is not simply a collection of experiences. Life is not a photo-album. Rather, it is a flowing story, a narrative. A narrative where you continuously figure out "who am I?" "Why am I here?" "What am I called to do?". We all need a place, a space where we can feel safe to ask and think upon those questions. Different people have different names for that place. For me, that's where I call "home".

"Home" is the place where I always need to learn to return to. Bringing with me everything I have gathered during my wanderings, sorting out the treasure from the junk, and then ask, together with those I love and those who love me, "where do WE go next?"Without that "homecoming", I find that I live selfishly and foolishly. I ask only what "I" want, and I fail to see what is truly "real". Isn't that the lesson learned by the "prodigal son" in the Bible?

To all my teammates: You've all given so much on this journey, you must be so weary. Why don't you go "home", wherever that may be. Laid down you bags, put up your feet, and rest your body and soul for a while? Don't worry about the next step...that will come tomorrow, and tomorrow will always "take care of itself." For now, allow yourself to enjoy the warmth of being loved for simply being who you are, not what you do. Like me, there are those who are waiting for you, longing to say to you...

"I'm so glad you are back"

Road to Sichuan - Finding Redemption in the midst of Brokenness (1)

It has been a while since my last blog entry. In my last couple of posts I shared with you some of the significant events in my own life journey, including running my first road race in years and taking part in communion for the first time in 2 years. In the last few weeks, my journey took me to the last place I had expected to go: Sichuan, China - the place of the devastating earthquake back on May 12, 2008.


Through a series of unexpected events, many of them unbeknown to me, I was invited to be a part of a large project to bring different art forms to Beichuan Middle School in Sichuan, China. Beichuan Middle School was located in one of the most devastated areas during the earthquake. The school itself was completely demolished, with about 1600 students and teachers (about half the population of the school) killed or missing. It was the the hardest hit school in the disaster, drawing visits afterwards from Premier Wen JiaBao. I was asked to lead a team of musicians to perform a series of concerts/workshops for the students. The different art forms represented in the larger team included: Visual Arts, Painting, Dance, Crafts, Stage theatre, with another team coordinating recreational and educational games and activities, and a team of youth mentors to chat with the students.

I am now sitting in my Hong Kong hotel room, having just completed the project with the final show last night and returning to Hong Kong this morning. It was a tightly packed trip right up to the final moments: I literally got off the stage after the final show and hopped on to the bus for a two hour ride to Chengdu, the capital city of Sichuan for an early morning flight out to Hong Kong the next morning. This is the first opportunity for me to reflect on the whole experience. As I do, I am just beginning to realize the magnitude of what just happened and how precious an experience this is. Because of the special importance and high profile of the school, it was truly a once in a lifetime opportunity that I was given to be a part of this effort. So far on this trip, there has been so many life-changing moments of historic importance:

- Being in Hong Kong at the 20th anniversary of the 6-4 event in Tiananmen Square, and being able to witness the historic march and be present with 150,000 people at the candle light gathering.

- Having the opportunity to visit some of the most devastated areas during the earthquake. Nothing in my lifetime has prepared me to witness the degree of devastation, even a year after the fact. Mountains crumbled and the land literally opened up. As I quietly stood among the rubble, I thought about the meaning of the expression: "The blood of the people cries out from the ground..."

- Meeting the students who survived the earthquake and hearing their stories, I found renewed faith in the indominable strength of the human spirit. The resiliance and the dignity that they live with absolutely humbled me.

- In each of the concerts, seeing the music moving the students to open up: tears flowed freely as they shared their experiences. For all of the musicians, we were literally drained of emotions and tears by the end of the final show.

- Given the threat of the H1N1 situation, it was a miracle that the project took place at all.

I experienced so much during this trip that I am completely overwhelmed in every way possible. I think it will take me a long time to process everything that happened. What I'd like to do is that over the next few entries on this blog, I will share about different aspects of the trip. I took over 1,000 shots and I will share some of those photos as well.

As I sit and write this, once again I realized that every experience in life is part of a larger context of redemption. For myself, this trip has been a chapter in my journey that was definitely not authored and orchestrated by me. Over the next few entries, I look forward to discovering some of the life-changing lessons that I learned, together with you.

Stay tuned.





-

Another Step Forward

This past Sunday we enjoyed an interesting worship service at our church. Rather than the "typical" teaching/preaching time, we had what was called a "family worship time": Each of us were given a piece of paper and crayons and we were encouraged to draw a picture in answer to certain questions about our experiences of God. There was a list of perhaps 15-20 questions to choose from, and we were told to simply pick one that "speaks" to us and draw a picture as a response.

When I looked down the list of questions, I came to one that for some reason drew me in. The question was: "What would a reflection of God's smile look like?"

For some reason, I couldn't take my eyes away from the phrase "God's smile". On one hand, it sounded like something so abstract. But as I thought about it, slowly the abstract became concrete. In my mind I saw the smiles of Anna and Taylor. It then occured to me that the one place on earth where I experience what is closest to God's unconditional and undeserved love, and yes, see God's smile is at home. So I grabbed my crayons and paper and produced the above masterpiece :-)

Following the "family worship time", we had the weekly Lord's Supper time. A few "Worship stations" are set up with bread and wine, and members are encouraged to go up and partake the Lord Supper whenever they are ready. So far, I have never taken part in it. After my experience of betrayal and rejection by those whom I trusted the most in my former community, I really was not sure if I ever want to be a part of any Christian community again. But last Sunday, as I sat there looking down at the picture that I had drawn, "seeing" God's smile, for the first time in a long, long time, I felt "safe". Suddenly, at the same time Anna turned to me and asked, "would you like to go and partake the Jesus meal with me?" (That was the first time she's asked me.) I nodded yes, and we went up together. There was no fanfare, everyone was worshipping and reflecting in their own "space". But for the first time in almost 2 years, I took part in that rich, historical, symbolic act of Christian community. Clutching the picture in my hand, it was as if for the first time, I saw God smiling at me. As I quietly took the bread and the wine, the weekly repeated words rang in my ears with renewed meaning: "This is my body, broken, for YOU..."

Finishing the Race!!

Today I did something that I hadn't done in a few years. I ran a road race.

I first got into distance running more than 10 years ago. It was during a time of personal turmoil, and I needed running as an outlet to channel my pain and release my stress. I remembered running my first marathon, the 1995 Toronto Marathon, and how it felt to finally cross the finish line.

I had hoped to finish at around 4 hours, it ended up taking me almost 5. I have run other marathons since then, but that day I learned the most important about life and running: In a long distance run, you are not competing against other runners. The challenge is the distance, and it means different things to different runners: For some, they run as a symbolic battle against an illness. Others chose to run in the midst of difficult personal circumstances to declare they are not going to quit. For all, the best part of the run is at the finish line, where you look back at the distance you conquered and whatever that represented to you and you say, "F**K YOU!!"

Today's race was only a 10K. The first race I have run in several years. But as soon as I left the house, all the familiar feelings and memories returned: the chill of the early morning air, the energy of the crowd at the start area, trying to stay warm after I checked in my warm up suit, the sound of the horn to begin the race...

After I finished and they put the medal around my neck, I felt almost lost in the sea of people (12,000 runners ran the race today!). I looked around and did not find anyone I know. I didn't even know what my time was. But it didn't matter. I looked down at the medal, and said to no one in particular, "I am back running. The road's got nothing on me..."

On Easter

This has been a special weekend for us. As part of the week-long surprise birthday celebration I planned for Anna, after I picked her up from work on Thursday evening, we drove 9 straight hours to spend the weekend in Chicago. Anna didn't suspect a thing! I even managed to pack her bags for the weekend, with all the right cloths, clean underwear for everyone, AND all her lotions and potions! (To all those of little faith and doubted if I can pull it off, let me hear you now...who's your daddy?? :)

It's been a while since the last time I drove 9 hours straight. But surprisingly I did ok. On the way down, Anna and I had a lot of time to talk. We talked about Taylor, we talked about our marriage, we talked about our plans for the future, we talked about our dreams, and we talked about our faith. We both noted that being away meant we won't be attending any church services or religious activities over the Easter weekend.


A few short years ago this would've been unthinkable. But life for us has changed over the last couple of years. To this day, we feel sad and hurt about the abandonment and betrayal we suffered from some in the church community that we had devoted our entire lives to. To this day, special days like Easter brings us saddness at the notion of being abandoned and left behind. But at the same time, we both felt that leaving that environment has done more to crystalize and grow our faith than anything else we have experienced in more than 20 years of being Christians. It has forced us to stop defining our faith by membership to an institution or attendence at meetings.


Rather, we now see our Christian faith as a daily decision to live the kind of lives that Jesus modelled for us. Jesus said, "I am the way..." We now see that Jesus did not come to start a "religion". Rather, He came to announce good news and to give us a model. The good news is that the Kingdom of God is here. God is here, and God is at work in doing something greater than we can ever imagine. Jesus then modeled a way of living, and offered us a Way to live that will allow our lives to become part of what God wants to do in the world.


This changes everything for us. For us, Easter no longer means attending a once a year special church service. Rather, we "celebrate" Easter daily by living with the conviction that today, and everyday, I can wake up to the reality that God wants to do something new in me and through me. As we talked on the long drive down to Chicago, we realized that throughout this journey, God has "overhauled" our lives and put in a whole bunch of new parts: our understanding of Him and His work, our appreciation for family and friendship, our marriage, our way of parenthood, among other things.

We had a great weekend with lots of good eats (Chicago deep dish pizza...yummm :) but we had to leave Chicago at 6am on Sunday morning because we wanted to catch Taylor's skating class in Toronto Sunday afternoon. As I drove off, I reflected on the whole weekend with all the laughter and good food, fun with Taylor, long talks with Anna, and it occured to me that this was probably the most meaningful Easter weekend that I have ever "attended". I looked out the car and saw the Sun just beginning to rise over the beautiful Chicago skyline. What a breath taking, beautiful sight! It was as if God was whispering: "Look! A new day has begun..."

Thoughts from "loot bagging"

Today we took our little girl to a birthday party. Towards the end of the party I was watching the little kids as the host parents handed out the "loot bags", which are little "take away" bags with small toys and snacks .

As parents we know there is ONE cardinal rule when it comes to receiving loot bags. For those of you who are parents to be, learn this rule well: DO NOT, under any circumstances, allow your child to see what's in other kid's loot bags. Grab it, say thank you, and head out to the car. Do not stop, do not linger, do not look back. (Look what happened to Lot's wife!)

You see, here is the problem. The world will be very simple if the host parents simply hand out identical loot bags to every child. "One lollipop for you, one lollipop for you, one for you..." BUT in an effort to demonstrate that "personal touch", parents these days often arrange for "personalized loot bags". That's fine, except that when the kids get to see and compare loot bags, human nature takes over:

"Why does he gets the cool Buzz Lightyear action figure when I only get a frisbee? I don't like frisbees!"

"How come she gets the pink bag?"

"Awww...I want that one instead..."

I was thinking about this in church on Sunday. It occured to me that the same "why-can't-I-have-what-he's-got" question has some serious global implications. For so long, we have lived in world of extreme economic injustice. With the internet and global communications technologies, we can now see with our own eyes on the TV's in our kitchens the devastation of poverty and hunger in the poor nations, where every second a child dies from hunger related illnesses.

Meanwhile half way around the world...

A father whose child is dying because he cannot get the most basic medical care looks on the TV in the hospital. He sees the abundance we enjoy in North America. And he asks, "why can't my child have what they've got?"

I wonder...as a Christian, what should our voice be?

How do we justify the hundreds of millions we spend on ourselves in the form of church buildings, staff, facilities, programming, etc when children are starving to death?

We enjoy low priced products manufactured in countries with cheap labor costs. Most of us don't even think about the labor practice of those countries until we start losing manufacturing jobs.

I wonder...when I hear Christians praying for "economic recovery"...what are we asking for? Are we really asking God to return us to a situation where we can continue to enjoy our own abundance built on the back of an economic system that is unjust and oppressive? A system where we can continue to enjoy the largest and best "loot bags", while the children from the rest of the world look to us and ask "why can't I have what they have?"

I wonder...why is it so difficult for us as Christians to develop a worldview that is global and holistic?

Just some thoughts from loot bagging....